hate...

i hate my self for giving up so fast, mayb its just bcoz i lost the confidence in my self... the last time was lidat... this time also lidat... i mean each time.. when i almost fall for a person deeply.. i will actually just pull my self out... reason?? i dont want the same thing which happened years ago to happen again... as i said... i lost confidence in my self...

i have been talkin 2 sheau teng for like 3 days in a row... and... i learned sumthing... but.. its really hard to take the first step lar... she told me... b4 dating him... she actually made up her mind not havin another guy in her life bcoz guys are being assholes... well.. to a certain extent i do agree with her lar... but.. normally guys are lidat right?? mayb... the EGO.. is just too strong...

its easy to fall for the same girl twice... and its really hard to pull out of it... mayb.. i just dont know what i want... and so on... b4 i fall into the love sea again.. i will actually just pull my self out of it.. and forget about everything... so i guess... my resolution of getting a gf wont really work out lar... or shud i say... i memang faithed to become a monk??

emo... i hate my self for being emo... thinking about you... you are leaving and... i will be here... i depend too much on you till i have actually lost track of what to do during the times without you... talking to others wont make me feel comfortable... its maybe... i dont give them the same level of trust as i give you.... maybe you are just a special 1... that really have alot of similarity with me... and.. most of the time the problems that i told you... it will be solved and... you will actually understand what is going on....

i seriously hate my self.... i really need to snap out of what happen few years ago... or mayb... just mayb.. i found the right 1... but... i just dont know how to express my self.. and just decided to pull out... or mayb i am just like a extra living thing in the world... that people dont need... sigh....

WooT!!

guess wat... mid term exams are like... in exactly 12 hours... and i am sitting down with my radio on... my books beside me... my phone on top of it and... blogging... i feel like talking to some 1... but i dont know who can i talk to larh... so mayb ill just blog about it...

my psychology is kinda a screwed up.. god... i wonder how this girl.. esther... scored 5 for both quiz and 5 for her worksheet... and wat i get... is... 5/4/4... 5 and 4 for my quiz... and my worksheet ... bcoz of my stupidity that i din put the hypothesis in.. i lost 1 mark.... so my current standing is actually 13/15... way way way better than what i did the last time... i am actually targetting for an A this time.. and hopefully it will give a boost to my CGPA...

CIS... boring 2 D max class... i mean... its kinda stupid... but the man is cool... he gives open book test... which i actually missed 1... because of the terrible jam on friday... i left my house at 8.30am... and at 9.45 i was only at KELANA JAYA LRT STATION.... immagine that.... normally it will only take like 5-8 mins.... GOD.... i gave up going to college that day.... and ended up... spending my time with the usual kakis... and... most importantly sunshine...

i found out sumthing new... wonder who told me... but yea... breakin up season has once again arrived... few people that i am actually close with having some relationship problems and... guess wat... this girl... that i went after her.. last year... when i was still in a-levels has actually just got together with adam... and ... they just broke up... she was like end of the world or sumthing... so i temaned her for the past 2 days larh... 2day... finally see her smile... and... happy lar...

anywayz... 4th of july is almost here.... 1 more week to be exact... arrgh... the emoness will be in the air... nothing much 2 blog about... erm... just gonna say... those who broke up... dont be sad... just move on... and... learn from the mistakes and dont repeat it again...( who am i to say that... swt... i cant even forget what happened few years ago) anywayz... i shud go back 2 my studies... wish me luck ppl...

plans ahead.... sigh....

aih... really really sad recently... mayb its just bcoz she is leaving to aussie in less than 2 weeks... i am seriously gonna miss her ALOT.... recently we had a big fight... finally everything is over... but.. somehow... i felt like i lost her... mayb she is leaving and i am thinking too much... and yea... she gave me a bday pressie dat day... something special... really really special.. i mean... who does this kind of stuff for me?? only her... those memories we had... and the happiness that we had... are just... unforgettable.. alot of stuff that i can actually play with her that i cant play with alot of other people... mayb me and her are just the same category of people... sakai...

us... 2006 camp in penang...

this is the only pic that i have left with her... others are gone when i formatted my pc.. sigh... 4/7 is the day she is leaving... i wonder how am i gonna take it... even now... i am feeling that a good friend will just leave me lidat... a bit sad larh... she is the only 1 i tell my problems to.... and her advices really helps me... all i can say... she has already carved her identity in my heart that i will remember her forever... k tats enough b4 i start crying...

a happy thing... but wont last long is my heng dai comin back from taiwan... aih aih... that sei zai really too much... really know how to chose the date comin back.... 4/7 flight arive at KLIA 11.00pm LOLX.... same day that she is leaving to aussie... missed him loads also... but den... i am gonna kena 99 larh... when he comes back... chamz.. alot of days out and that also means less money!!!! OMG....

taken 2006... bkt tinggi trip
hell i look fat in that pic... shit....

hahaz.. wei jiet is comin back... weeee.... hopefully we will have a good time b4 he goes back to taiwan larh... anywayz.. goin to D centre ad... byez

stress...

wahz... stress wei... as i am blogging... my stupid midterm exams are next week... people are having their final exams and i will be having my mid term exams... hopefully i will do well... sigh... currently.. screwed up my CIS 1st quiz... nasib... its a 1 mark shit... but yea.. his stuff are accumulative... just handed up my psyco assignment today... and praying hard to get 5/5... as i got 5/5 for my 1st quiz... tomorrow will b psyco's 2nd quiz... and... guess what.. i found out that i suck in biology.. omg larh... chapter 3 is stuff doing with brains... god dam it... i dun know shit...

anywayz... enjoy yer holidays to those whom finished their final exams... hahaz... hopefully you guys will come teman me in college once a while... god... dam boring wei... starting tomorrow i will b the only 1 going to college and stone alone in the morning...

i am stressed out... arrgh... i have to prepare for my psychology presentation stuff... as i said.. i wana score an A for my psyco paper... well... dont have much time to blog... ill do it asap...

a good start...

today.. i am proud to say... i did my best... though i din get the results that i want... but yea... i got 9/10 of my psychology 1st quiz... tats if i am not mistaken larh... well... compared to my 1st time taking psyco... i am getting 1-2/10 lol... the commitment that i made... has really gonna happen.. it will be my final chance... and no more chance will be given...

smoking... a bad habbit... who am i to say this?? god... 2 packs... i have to cut down... last week.. i am taking like quite bad... 1 pack... now... i limit my self to 5 sticks 1 day... i am dam serious i have to quit this time.... i mean.. i have been saying since dunno when.. but things seems to get from bad to worst...

last week.. a friend of mine intro me a girl from MUFY... and.. yup.. she quite cute... but den.. when she knows that i smoke.. or shud i say.. she saw me smoking... den.. she didnt want to talk 2 me again... sigh... well.. its cool larh.. i dont even like her personality also... den came another girl.. elsie... aih... i suddenly... felt like stopping to smoke.. den ask her to motivate me... she was my junior from high school.. aih... now she dun wana talk 2 me after i told her... aduh...

really should quit... and i will do it... i really gonna mean it this time

a comitment...

finally... the problem is being taled to.. and talked about... i made a new commitment with my mum... and.. i am really gonna do it this time... its like a do or die thing... i screwed up most of my life... and... yea... i had made my first step... this is my first... and only time i am gonna make a commitment this way... this is what i told my mum... i am not gonna screw up my sem... hopefully getting good grades... all i can do now.. is work harder den b4... and trying my best to get the grades that i need...
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ok i really have to bitch about something... i mean... it really has been getting in my nerves but i just cant tell her... because she is my mum... aih... have she even thought about it?? how do i feel?? what do i think?? i mean... i no longer feel like a part of the family... the way she treats me and the way she treats my siblings... haih... mayb she thinks its fair.. but from what i see... its totally dif... i mean.. imagine.. loads of things that i can compare with my bro

1) i BOUGHT my own phone when i was 14... PAYING my OWN bills...
my brother's phone was bought by my mum.. and he is using a post paid line... RM 120 is what he spent... and all he got was a lil scolding

2) results... during highschool... each time i screw up a subject.. as in 50++ 60 marks... i get extra attention... she brings me to the principal's office.. and start making me talk... haih... and my brother... if he gets those result.. she would just say... try harder next time...

3) dining table.. they crap and all... yea... she laughes at the lamest jokes my siblings makes... and... where i am?? always feeling lost... all she does... is complaining me to myself.. and complaining her life to me.. yea i mean as the oldest son in the family.. yea i shud listen... i have never grumbled about that till today.. i feel so unfairly treated...

i just finish a lil chat with my mum.. and yea... all she did was nagged and scolded me... she asked me again what i want to do... i mean i dont really have the guts to tell her what i really want out of her... but... here it goes...

1) i hope she starts caring me as much as she does for my brother(not that important though)
2) equal treatment
3) i hope she can understand what i am going through instead of just screwing my life up...
4) i am a very emotional person... and i hate it... but as my mum.. you shud live with it...

i may sound like a bitch but.. tats what i really want to say... i told her yea.. i skipped my class.. yea i know i am wrong.. and its not a excuse... but did she even bother thinking where i went? what i did?? hah... no... well i can tell you guys why i skip my class... you guys mite hate me for this.. but.. i hate my life more....

1) i feel better around my friends than my family...
2) i trust my friend more than my family...
3) i cant talk to my mum as well as i talk you you ppl...

so basically.. i am depending loads on my friends... i really feel stupid by saying this but... yea... i really do depend more on my friends than my family...

how am i feeling??
1) frustrated with my family that i cant depend on
2) pissed off at my self bcoz i screwed up my results

yea.. i have a low self esteem... mayb i am born with 1??
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i have really terrible mood recently... and... yea... dont mention about sleepless nights.. which just made my headache worse... i really hate it.. recently i have been wondering.. am i the same with every other single human in the world?? i really dont know the answer to that... but... i really hope i will get that answer soon... i mean i am like a balloon filled with air.. and a lil more will just make it explode...

thats all i guess..

shez leaving...

she is leaving... times that i have spend with her for the past few years will really be a memorable one.. aussie is her destination.. i really do wana follow you there but i really cant.. sorry... the only thing i can say is i will try my best and make it to KLIA during your departure... sigh.. hopefully i wont be in tears.. its like... after you leave... i really dont know who i can talk to when i am really down and when i really need support from people.. my problems.. who could understand?? many dont... but you... helped me alot at most times... only thing i can say is i am gonna miss you alot...

like i told you... i really cant find any 1 to replace you... i mean the feelings lar... who would actually be another you?? beside you... i can do anything i like... and i wont even bother what others think...people mite think what we did was childish... but to me.. and i am sure you 2... it was pure fun... friends in college... friends in high school... if they would actually say they wont bother and could actually play along such sakai things.. i will actually respect them... hah....

a friend since childhood .... till today... years has passed.... friendship getting closer... and hopefully nothing will change... those memories we had.... irreplaceable ... agree mah?? i know you will always b there for me when ever i need you.. and i will do the same too... hopefully our friendship will never end...
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sigh... damn emo... 3rd of july is just getting close... she is almost ready to go... some 1 special to me and means alot to me... she said of gettin a PR in aussie... i personally hope she does not.. coz i still wana see her back home... i am heading to us... but my mum wants me to go aussie... Adelaide... hopefully ill make it there... its near her also... she was askin me to get some 1 to replace her when she is gone... who could?? hah... i am wondering... currently i dont think any 1 can... hopefully some 1 would... or even better... hopefully i will get a gf who actually can replace her...

1 year... she will be in aussie ill be here... back home... waiting for her....
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i have a very bad headache... soo bad that i really have to sleep when i have it.. there is 1 way that i can actually cure it... but it will b alot of pain... honestly.. i am scared lar.. the doc... said no need to shave bald if i dun wan but the best is i will lar... so i havent really decided... hopefully everything will be fine lar...

random post..

i suddenly felt like blogging... so... here it is... some dam random post... its sumthing about what has been going in the whole world... and adults whom are parents are 100% gonna agree with this... well.. i 100% disagree... parents knows best... to me its a bull shit.. they are not us... they dont know us 100% correct... so stop acting like you know us 100%... yes i believe that parents know us quite well but yea... most of their god dam advices are really too kolot to even exist in the 21st centuary... PS: its ad 2007... almost 2008... we have electric and we are no longer using candles... stop comparing yer days that you all were having to what we are having now... brainz plz... times change!!! maybe parents should CLICK with the latest world...

a good example of mine... my mum KEEPS my dam computer away from me bcoz i always use my pc?? keep askin us to go out and play... god... parents are the 1 whom restrict us to go out bcoz there are too many bastards out ther either rape the female or rob the rest... god... they want us to stay put... i mean... who can stay home 24/7 with just books and nothing else?? aduh... come on la... even parents them selves cant do that lar... always askin us to think in their shoes... THEY them selves shud think in our shoes first... yea yea... when a person fails his exam... to them... you never study... never pay attention in class... always go out... play computer... god... do they even like ask or check things out first?? always making assumptions... GET A LIFE....

tats a small party of it... well i wonder any 1 else out ther has the same experience as me... to my mum.... whn i use the computer... even if i am doing my assignments... = playing of games.. omg... how kolot can that be?? i was so god dam pissed that i actually said... y not you just sell off the computers or even just blow them up?? i mean... they are not being realistic larh... i am really dam fed up... no doubt without our parents we are no where... we still live under their roof... i seriously cant wait to move out of my house...

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forget the above... its just some dam random stuff... bitching bout my life... arrgh... emoness has once struk me dam hard this time... what is it??

1) life
2) life
3) life

practically emoin bout my life... i live in a family which is full of prejudice aih... i mean seriously... how i wish i was an only child at times... or... i could even have a more understanding siblings... and i seriously wished i had a sister.... i mean i always wanted either a older or a younger sis... preferably a older 1... lolx... so i can actually tell her my problem.. and see what advice she can give me.. whats up with the mind of my family members or i am the problematic 1 in the family?? i have no idea... i mean its like i am an outsider at home... feels stupid at most times and they could actually laugh at the lamest jokes... how i wish... time would be on my hands... and i could chose when i want the time to be there... hah... i bet every 1 agrees to this...

i am really caught up with the packs... and sticks... god.. its like turning from bad to worst... even worst when i start emoing... haih... my allowance is limited and i spent like almost 40 bucks last week buying packs... i need to stop... but... somehow... that brought me to my own world ... stone... i could ignore everything... but that does not make me high or anythin... so its bull shit if ppl say that could relieve stress.... but it does allow you to tag along with others...

i suddenly thought of making a resolution...
1) move out of my house asap...
- either stayin in sunway hostel or a house near there
- or mayb moving to inti nilai after this sem
- score well and go overseas ASAP
2) get a girlfriend
- i mean i really need some 1 to talk to at times... but i hardly find any 1
- lost those feelings since what happened 2 years ago...
3) change my attitude
- i am just a lazy bum to do most stuff... but at least i do my assignments...
- stop skipping my classes...

well thats what i could think of for now... haih... hopefully i will be able to success at least 2 and 3... and i extremely hope the 1st 1 could be achieved.. but it is quite hard lar... i asked b4 a year ago... and i am still staying at home...


thats all i guess.... i wont be online for sometime as my dam brothers is gonna start their school tomorrow... as usual... my dam computers in my dam house will be locked up... and the worst part is... all my assignments must be finished in college if i need the computer...

well i need a advice from you readers... shud i drop my LAN this sem?? currently taking general psyco and computer science... plz sms me or leave a message... i really need to know... tats all... chiaoz

Update...

lolx... sorry cheryl... bout the pic i promised... here they are... the story and the pics...thnaks to billy ching for the pics... and still waiting for chee hoe to send me the other part of the pics...


at first... thanks to those whom have turned up for the party... it was quite a good time that we had... again... i hope there will be another 1 before every 1 going to their own path... ppl of sunway... every 1 going their own ways... some monash.. some going to us soon... some UK... some... aussie... so... time left that we will spend with each other are limited... worst comes to worst in the end we mite not even remember each other... lolx...

5 gay louz... me, billy, vishnu, chee hoe and weng hoe... 5 of us left PJ at about 3 in the afternoon thanks to our keling tai lou ... abang vishnu... aduhai... wat la... waited for him since 11am in D morning... god dam it... where was he?? at first... we tot he ad hilang... den... suddenly b4 we entered sg buluh toll.. he called... den ok larh... we went and fetch him... and... guess wat... he was having fun with his gf... tats y he was late... well... dude.. i am sorry for you also... gf went aussie... chillz k... journey to bkt beruntung was really a big mess... 2 cars... 5 fellerz... god... chee hoe... if you ever read this... PLZ..... DRIVE CAREFULLY... god... almost met into 2 accidents in 5 mins... was seriously dam dangerous... in highway lagi...

reached ther about 3.30... den started cleaning the house which was full of dust, bird shit, insect shit and insect body... finish cleaning the mess at about 5++ den chee hoe was making a fuss to go swim... god... no girls... swim wat la.. show yer body meh.. lolx... raining summor... crazy... sekali kena shock... lagi chun... when we finished... went to a chinese stall and bought ice... and had some food... 2 hungry ad... waited for the dau gei zai... jackson... he came wid extra stuff.... 12 cans of tiger beer... lap top... red wine... a pack of dunhil and him self.. lolx... so in the end... what we have was....

bunch of junk.... and a bat....


US and the stuff without billy and adam...


no idea what chee hoe is doing...

process of checking his ID...

look at the amount of ciggy packs... god dam it... we finished everything between the night... 7 of us... all guys... what happened to all the girls?? i learnt that jackson.. was being a bitch... dun wana wait for jen... but... sigh... jen... dun complain la... jackson came about 6++ almost 7... after taking a long way from rawang... smart ass... lolx... den adam called... so... we waited for him.. till almost 9... without food.. just ciggy and beers... god... vishnu really tryin 2 get me drunk or sumthing... any 1 herd of bottoms up beer?? vishnu made me do it... and... he cant walk properly after that... LOL... my house turned into a mini club... with 7 fella.. BILLY... was being the bouncer holding that stick.... lol... and den.... vishnu was found as an illigal immigrant from( who knows wher) and so....

GET OUT!!! lolx..

when adam came.... SHIT... YOU EAT PORK.... and you TAPAU ALL D pork ballz... shit wei... lolx... not really full that night... but... yea as long as we did enjoy larh... sadly... the initial people whom wanted to go... most of them didnt turned up... aih... adam had no choice and had to leave us at 11++... sad wei... the fun just started when the chivas started... shit.. those people really all the way out gonna get me and chee hoe drunk... omg wei... their chivas was like 1/4 and ours was like 1/2 aduh... after the pure chivas drink... bb adam... he went back.... after a moment... we got pissed at vishnu coz he made us wait so dam long... LOL... flaming chivas... 1st 1 down... was not much a prob for him... he continued dotain... and den... after 5 mins... another flaming chivas... he was dam high... LOL... sat ther... and didnt move at all... hahaha....

after the 2nd cup... tats like about 2am in the morning... we were all cocking outside the house and... jackson had to leave... sigh... pity... he was dam dam dam dam dam high ad... when he got home.. he sent a sms... and dunno wat he sent alo... conclusion... he was drunk... hah... we chilled and crapped... in that process... i lost my voice... hahah...... 4am... every 1 was half dead... in the sense of the eyes barely can open... our dear vishnu... was being a hero... didnt sleep... dotaed all the way till we wake up in the morning at 10am... too extreme.. lolx...

was a bit hanged over after that nite... b4 leaving bkt beruntung... we had breakfast in some kopitiam... they are 1 kiam siap ppl... lol... not 2 say we dun pay larh... sigh... we left at about 12pm... i had to send billy home and drop shereen's file for her... hah... dam funny... billy used my phone and called reen... and said... i miss you... i want you... where are you... i was laughing my ass off while reen was saying... you drunk ad is it... lolx... dam cute la she... i didnt know that my voice and billy's voice got no diffrence... or mayb our theory about shereen just proved it correct?? physically age= 18++ mentally age= ?? about 3-5??? lolx....

tats about the party larh.... results... finally dead... my mum actually know about my results from the start... i even tried covering it up... but... 2 bad.. havent really talked to her about it... but... i hope everything wil be ok... i mean... yea i really wana study... but... sigh... i cant... maybe skipping of class is really getting out of hand... i swear i will stop...

a special thanks to cheryl... for being there for me when i was so god dam emo for the past few days... and for helping me out with some illegal stuff that i shudnt have done at the first place.... another is to reen... thanks for listening... it helped larh... was so pissed 2day that i didnt know what to talk... enough craps i guess... thanks for reading...

update.... 19th bday celebration wid CH

firstly... dedication to chee hoe.. a.k.a cheese... happy belated bday... this year... we celebrated together in my bangalow house in bkt beruntung... quite fun... we took a bit of time to plan this out but in D end... ppl FFK... aikz.. well.. nvm larh... REEN... thanks 4 yer bday pressie.... to me... things are not important... i prefer you guys hanging out wid me instead of giving me bday pressies... coz the time spent with each other are really limited... after we leave college which is currently SUNWAY UNI COLLEGE... every 1 will go their own path... we mite not even remember each other after this... who knows.!!

again... thanks to chee hoe... the party was quite a success though the number was small... the 7 ppl were... chee hoe, weng hoe, adam, jackson, billy, vishnu, and me...... food were bought by him and the soup was boild by his mum... thanks bro... and... really sorry i forgotten to bring my part of D stuff... sorry.... though those stuff were important.... the add on's to the stuff were from jackson... 12 cans of tiger beer(PS: it taste kinda lousy), red wine( we didnt drink it in D end... coz there were no girls)...

well.. ill update more about it on my next post with the pictures when chee hoe sends me... i only have a small part of it from billy... and... adam... i forgot 2 take pic with you... swt... sorry bro... mayb next time... thats all for now... i have to go college tomorrow...

next post will b the pics and details about the party... and stuff bout my results...