a comitment...

finally... the problem is being taled to.. and talked about... i made a new commitment with my mum... and.. i am really gonna do it this time... its like a do or die thing... i screwed up most of my life... and... yea... i had made my first step... this is my first... and only time i am gonna make a commitment this way... this is what i told my mum... i am not gonna screw up my sem... hopefully getting good grades... all i can do now.. is work harder den b4... and trying my best to get the grades that i need...
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ok i really have to bitch about something... i mean... it really has been getting in my nerves but i just cant tell her... because she is my mum... aih... have she even thought about it?? how do i feel?? what do i think?? i mean... i no longer feel like a part of the family... the way she treats me and the way she treats my siblings... haih... mayb she thinks its fair.. but from what i see... its totally dif... i mean.. imagine.. loads of things that i can compare with my bro

1) i BOUGHT my own phone when i was 14... PAYING my OWN bills...
my brother's phone was bought by my mum.. and he is using a post paid line... RM 120 is what he spent... and all he got was a lil scolding

2) results... during highschool... each time i screw up a subject.. as in 50++ 60 marks... i get extra attention... she brings me to the principal's office.. and start making me talk... haih... and my brother... if he gets those result.. she would just say... try harder next time...

3) dining table.. they crap and all... yea... she laughes at the lamest jokes my siblings makes... and... where i am?? always feeling lost... all she does... is complaining me to myself.. and complaining her life to me.. yea i mean as the oldest son in the family.. yea i shud listen... i have never grumbled about that till today.. i feel so unfairly treated...

i just finish a lil chat with my mum.. and yea... all she did was nagged and scolded me... she asked me again what i want to do... i mean i dont really have the guts to tell her what i really want out of her... but... here it goes...

1) i hope she starts caring me as much as she does for my brother(not that important though)
2) equal treatment
3) i hope she can understand what i am going through instead of just screwing my life up...
4) i am a very emotional person... and i hate it... but as my mum.. you shud live with it...

i may sound like a bitch but.. tats what i really want to say... i told her yea.. i skipped my class.. yea i know i am wrong.. and its not a excuse... but did she even bother thinking where i went? what i did?? hah... no... well i can tell you guys why i skip my class... you guys mite hate me for this.. but.. i hate my life more....

1) i feel better around my friends than my family...
2) i trust my friend more than my family...
3) i cant talk to my mum as well as i talk you you ppl...

so basically.. i am depending loads on my friends... i really feel stupid by saying this but... yea... i really do depend more on my friends than my family...

how am i feeling??
1) frustrated with my family that i cant depend on
2) pissed off at my self bcoz i screwed up my results

yea.. i have a low self esteem... mayb i am born with 1??
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i have really terrible mood recently... and... yea... dont mention about sleepless nights.. which just made my headache worse... i really hate it.. recently i have been wondering.. am i the same with every other single human in the world?? i really dont know the answer to that... but... i really hope i will get that answer soon... i mean i am like a balloon filled with air.. and a lil more will just make it explode...

thats all i guess..